Demon Child: Explanations!
by Dragon'sHost
Summary: Explanations and things I couldn't didn't put in the main storyline of Demon Child.  Please read that first, or this will not make any sense whatsoever.  There will be Kasumi and Shyuuheiness!  It just will not be the main theme.  All characters involved.
1. Introduction

Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine, but Datenshi and Kasumi still belong to me.

Welcome all! In this I will explain some of the things that occur in my fanfic "Demon Child". However, it will be mostly explained by Kasumi and Datenshi themselves, in a story format. Basically, anything I did not bother to talk about in the original, I will put here if someone requests it politely.

For instance, the tea party that Yachiru and Kasumi planned in Chapter 2 does not appear in the main storyline. I will post it here, instead. There will also be an episode about Kasumi's birthday!

Since I am working on a sequel to "Demon Child", I will not answer any questions about it here. I will do another one of these for the sequel, however.

Post your request as a review so that I don't get too many requests for the same thing.

Warning! There will be some things that have not appeared in the main storyline yet, but will in the future. Or, I may be undecided about whether they will or not. The Author's Notes at the beginning of each installment here will update on the status on some requests.

Ummm… I think that's all for now. Bye!


	2. Things Kasumi Learned in Hell

Disclaimer: I will own Bleach once I have taken over the world! Okay, the first thing I need to do in order to accomplish this is…Oooooh! Look at the pretty butterfly! NO! DON'T LEAVE ME! COME BACK! (Wanders off)

This just came to me shortly after witnessing the following event:

Me: (doing homework, hears a muffled explosion from the microwave) what the…Mom! What did you explode _this _time?!

Mom: The butter.

Me: Again?! This is the third time! Butter is not supposed to explode! How long did you put it in there for?

Mom: 45 seconds.

Me: (jaw drops) … (smacks forehead)

Kasumi awoke from her nightmare, drenched in cold sweat. '_There is no way I'm getting back to sleep after that,'_ she thought. She looked over at her clock. It read 2 o'clock AM.

Kasumi got up and took a warm shower, putting on warm clothes afterward. It was getting pretty close to winter, after all.

Grabbing Datenshi, she locked her apartment door behind her and went for a walk. Somehow, she ended up on 9th Division's roof. Sitting down, she placed her sword across her lap and gazed up at the stars, since it was a clear, freezing cold night.

'_**Hey, why are we up so early?'**_ Datenshi yawned.

'_Nightmare.'_

'_**You know, why can't you dream of some of the more important things that you learned while you were there? Then**_** I**_**would get more sleep, too.'**_

'_I wish it worked that way. Refresh my memory as to what I learned in Hell.'_

Datenshi thought about it, and then started listing some of the things that they had learned.

**1: NEVER give the Devil's daughter a microwave to **_**play**_** with.**

**2: The words 'microwave' and 'play-dough' should never be used in the same sentence, or even in the same context.**

**3: Do not microwave butter for 45 seconds—it explodes.**

**4: NEVER take Vetrel (Kasumi's instructor)'s stuffed animals away from him.**

**5: Ovens DO NOT like Jell-O.**

**6: Neither do pool filters.**

**7: Or washing machines.**

**8: And a great many other things…**

**9: Tsuki (a large, dragon-like creature called an Ukufa) is not a dog and does NOT appreciate being treated as such.**

**10: Tsuki can beat Vetrel in a chess game.**

**11: Do not eat Ukufa eggs or meat in front of Cean (a relative of the Ukufa) and Tsuki.**

**12: Locks on doors—always good things.**

**13: It is better NOT to ask what it is you are being fed.**

**14: Always knock before entering a room with a shut door.**

**15: DO NOT POKE STRANGE OBJECTS.**

**16: Zombies make (surprisingly) fairly decent pets.**

**17: Man-eating zombies do not.**

'_Datenshi? Those wouldn't be any better to dream about. Those were traumatizing events.'_

That last sentence fell on deaf ears, as Datenshi had already fallen asleep again. For the first time, Kasumi noticed how much time had passed, for the sun had just started to rise.

"OH NO! I HAVE TO MAKE RANGIKU BREAKFAST!" After yelling this, she ran off quickly before her neighbor got to her apartment.

Yeah, had to get that bit of randomness out of me.

Enjoy.


	3. Birthday Surprises!

**DON'T TAKE ANYTHING IN THESE SIDE STORIES TOO SERIOUSLY! IT'S MOSTLY THERAPY FOR ME, THE AUTHORESS!!**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned all of the bishies! But alas, I do not. Bleach does not belong to me, either.**

**It's Kasumi's Birthday! This takes place a couple of months after she arrived at the Japanese branch. By this point, she's gotten rather used to working on paperwork, even as much as she detests it.**

**Warning: Some randomness. These are all presents that my friends would get me… (Though I actually own the signs!)**

**Kasumi and Arianri steal the stage! Shuuhei doesn't have a big part…**

--

Birthday Surprises!

"Hey, Kasumi! Good morning!"

The 9th Division Lieutenant looked up at her Captain and gave him a small smile. "Good morning," she replied. "What's up?"

"I've got a question for you. When's your birthday? Rangiku's been bugging me about throwing a party for you."

She blinked. "What a straight forward question. Was it supposed to be a surprise party? If so, you're horrible at being subtle. Ummm…what month is it?"

"December. You've been writing the dates on the paperwork for over two months. How can you not know the date?"

She ignored this. "What's today's date?"

"The 3rd."

Her eyes widened to the size of saucers. "Oh! Oops…"

Shuuhei looked at her suspiciously.

Kasumi glanced away, embarrassed. "It's today."

"YOU FORGOT YOUR OWN BIRTHDAY?!"

"Isn't the first time." He just stared at her, unbelievingly. "Well, this explains all of the weird letters my mother has been sending me. She always ends with, 'I hope you like your surprise on your big day!' Or, something like that. I had no idea what she was talking about."

The door was suddenly kicked inward, and flew across the office.

"HEELLLLOOOO EVERYBODY!"

"That surprise…was apparently your mother coming to visit." Kasumi just stared at Arianri. Shuuhei tapped Kasumi's shoulder. "Are you alright?" She fell over in shock.

"What's wrong with her?" Arianri asked, clueless.

"Nothing," Kasumi replied, standing up. "What are you doing here, mom?"

"Why, I came to surprise you on your birthday!" Seeing the look she was getting from her adopted daughter, she sighed. "You forgot again, didn't you?"

Kasumi nodded.

"Oh well! Remember the friends of yours who went to your funeral?" Another, extremely wary, nod. "Well, it turns out that four of them could see me! It was really weird." She looked _way _too pleased with herself for Kasumi's taste.

"Which ones?"

She made a thoughtful expression. "Hmmm…I think their names were…Shia, Makielia, Christov, and…Takimi. Yup! That's them!" She looked extremely pleased with herself for remembering. Then she hid her hand behind her back as if Shuuhei and Kasumi had _not_ just seen the names written there.

"That would explain a lot." Kasumi's statement elicited curious stares. She shuddered in remembrance. "My funeral…ended up being extremely…_strange_…due to the antics of Shia." There was no more explanation forthcoming anytime soon, so Arianri ignored it and switched topics.

"Well, they gave me things to give you for your 22nd Birthday!"

"I died when I was 19," Kasumi explained to Shuuhei, who looked sort of confused.

Arianri handed over a large box full of presents.

"This is better than the usual gift from you—flowers stolen off of my grave." Kasumi glared at her mother.

The woman shrugged. "What can I say? They caught me this time." She was gifted with stares of her own. "What?"

Kasumi shook her head. "Nope. Not going to say anything to that..."

She grabbed the top present and opened the card attached to it. When she read it, she fell off of her chair again in shock. Arianri plucked it from her rigid fingers and read it aloud, "'Get well soon.'" She opened it. "'Oh, and happy birthday. Love, Makielia.'"

"She's not even blinking," Shuuhei observed calmly.

Kasumi sat up. "Trust Makielia to give me a card that talks in a monotone." She saw something written on the back of the card. "'I somehow got the feeling you would make good use of these.'"

Once the paper was off, Kasumi could see that there were two signs that she could tack onto her doors. She gave a small, lopsided smile when she saw what they read. "This one is going on my bathroom door."

She handed it to Shuuhei and Arianri to read. Their eyes widened. It had a picture of a smiling white bunny, with words printed under it in bold letters. It read: **Trespassers Butchered**.

Kasumi handed them the other. "This one is going on my bedroom door."

It read thus:

**Room Rules**

**Authorized personnel only beyond this point.**

**Do not panic.**

**Excessive sound levels or odors emanating from this room are not life-threatening.**

**Do not touch anything.**

**Messiness is a sign of genius.**

**Tidying up could impact negatively on my mental development.**

**Respect the three M's:**

**My Room, My Space, My Business.**

**Hours of operations: Never before noon.**

**Cash donations welcome.**

Arianri and Shuuhei stared at the signs. _'The perfect present,'_ they thought in unison.

Kasumi had another card by this time and was reading it aloud. "'Open for surprise!'" There was also a smiley face on the front. She eyed it suspiciously, but opened it anyway. Arianri and Shuuhei could see a smiley face with devil horns on the back of the card.

That…did not…bode well…

A hologram of a medium-height blonde girl with short hair appeared. "It's Shia," Kasumi remarked. Then the hologram started to speak.

"Happy Birthday Kasumi! Get well soon! _Destroy all humans._ Have a nice day!" Then the hologram repeated the message over and over, but without the 'destroy all humans' part.

"I'm kind of scared to open her present now…" Giving the card one last wary glance, Kasumi tore off the paper anyway to reveal…a box. She carefully opened the box and removed the packaging peanuts. A stuffed, teddy bear looked back at her. It had purple fur with pink paws. There was a small red heart sewn onto it.

Kasumi dropped it immediately, recognizing it. "This—this teddy bear almost started World War III."

"You're my bestest friend!" the bear suddenly declared. "My name is Corpse! What's yours?"

"Don't answer," Kasumi advised, quickly.

"Why?"

"You don't want to know."

Kasumi spotted a tag attached to the bear's ear. It had a note from Shia. It said:

_Dear Kasumi,_

_This is the very first prototype I created! Do you remember it? Ah, good times, good times. Frankie sends his love. You don't know him. He is the perfected model. And he knows all about you! Hope you two meet someday!_

_Much love,_

_Shia._

_P.S. I am still trying to think of a decent name for my company. Any suggestions?_

"Just what has she told that…creature…about me?"

"Apparently everything."

"That's sort of what's freaking me out."

"What are you going to suggest for a name for your friend's company?" Shuuhei asked, extremely curious.

"Demonic Fluffies, even though she sells other 'inanimate' objects as well."

Corpse decided to speak up, with a creepy expression. "Message sent."

The three shot the bear a scared look.

"Where are you going to put it?"

"In my room, along with all of the other possessed items I own." They gave Kasumi a weird look. "Nobody but me is allowed in there, so I thought that it would be a good place to hide these things from the rest of the world."

Arianri stared. "Welcome to 'What-The-Fuck Land'" she remarked absentmindedly. "Glad to see you could join the rest of us."

"That's not what we're worried about," Shuuhei clarified, feeling that Arianri's point wasn't getting across. "What we want to know is _why_ you have those things in the first place."

"I plead the Fifth."

Arianri burst out laughing, while Kasumi's poor Captain only got more and more confused. Taking pity on the guy, Arianri clarified, "She's pleading the Fifth Amendment in our Constitution. It says: **No person shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself**. Basically, that means that she doesn't have to say anything that would incriminate herself."

"But she lives in Japan, now."

"Technically, she's still an American citizen."

Kasumi stared at the two remaining presents for a moment, before hesitantly taking a harmless-looking one. In other words, the one _not _shaped like dynamite.

Opening the card, she twitched. "What is it with my friends giving a dead person cards that say 'Get well soon'? Especially for my birthday." Shaking her head, she tore off the wrapping paper to reveal a book.

**The Dating Guide for Dummies.**

Only—"Dummies" had been crossed out and replaced with: "Antisocial Serious People." This was also crossed out. The final reading was: "Kasumi."

The Lieutenant's eye twitched dangerously. "Damn you, Taki," she growled, using her friend's nickname. What if Rangiku got her hands on the book? That had the potential to be extremely embarrassing for her…

Deciding to hide that in her room along with the other odds and ends that she's collected, she moved onto the final gift.

Now, this could be very good—or very, very bad, depending on how you wanted to look at it. While most—no, _all_—of her friends were just as insane as both herself and her mother, they were shockingly predicable. A method to the madness.

Not so with a couple of them. Christov was one such. The dynamite-shaped package could be just that, or something completely harmless. Knowing him rather well, though, she had to guess that it was something dangerous.

Being inherently a procrastinator, she chose to open the card first. Unlike the others, this one had the typical "Happy Birthday" to a "Great/Wonderful/Amazing Friend." Take your pick.

Since the card didn't give any clues as to what the gift was (since it was generic, even though it was sincere), Kasumi had a miniature battle with herself in regards to actually finding out what was in the present.

Arianri, annoyed, decided for her and threw it at her adopted-daughter's face. Since it didn't explode or anything, Kasumi assumed it was safe enough to open. Unlike the others—which were done so haphazardly—this one was carefully wrapped.

Taking pains to preserve the paper (since she thought the dragons on it were cool), she folded it off to one side. This was done partially to annoy her mother; a plan that succeeded with flying colours.

In the end, the present was singularly shocking to her. It was a can of instant coffee.

She hated coffee.

And Christov knew that.

Bastard.

Twitching in annoyance—something she tends to do a lot of—she opened the can to peer inside and, possibly, glare at the contents. However, she was pleasantly surprised to find a many delicate figurines nestled within the coffee grounds. Gently taking them out, an inspection revealed them to be miniatures of her friends from the Living World. All thirteen of them.

A ghost of a smile crossed her face. Christov must have either wanted to surprise her with the coffee trick, or he couldn't find any better packaging to send his gift in. Probably a mixture of both.

In any case, she was extremely grateful to all four of them. They had taken the time to give her some meaningful presents in a very short amount of time. She couldn't imagine Arianri being patient enough to wait long.

Speaking of which…

"Thanks, Mom."

The Captain-General blinked. Was Kasumi actually thanking her for something? "What for?"

"For delivering these. And for visiting me on my birthday. It really does mean a lot, even if I don't show it." She turned to Shuuhei. "And you too, Captain. Thank you for asking about my birthday."

He shrugged. "Rangiku was the one who had the idea."

She smiled lightly. "So? You were still the one who asked, not her. I'll thank her, too."

Just then, Matsumoto poked her head into the gaping doorway. "Hi guys!" she called cheerfully. Then she stopped, noticing the presents and wrapping paper. "Hey!" she growled. "Were you celebrating something without me? Shame on you!"

Glancing around, she spied the book on Kasumi's desk. "I'll just have to take this as punishment, then!" Quickly grabbing it, she bolted out of the room before the Lieutenant could do anything about it.

Shuuhei fought back a smile as she looked at Kasumi's enraged face. "What was this I heard about thanking her?"

Rolling her eyes, she calmed down immediately, not one for holding too many grudges. "I will. Right after I kill her."

Arianri and Shuuhei could only laugh.

--

**Wow! I actually started writing this one back in November! It took forever to get it right. Hope I did a good job!**

**I know, I know…probably some OOCness here.**

**Kasumi's birth date has some significance for me. December 3****rd**** is the same day that my grandfather passed away. I miss him terribly, but I'm glad that I could honor him in this way. Seriously.**

**Please review, and no flames…**


	4. Weaknesses

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach… (Peers around) Okay, the lawyers are gone. Bring out the sake for the "I Own Bleach!" Party!!! (Seriously, only in my head)**

…**I have no excuses for this installment…it just popped into my head…**

**--**

Captain Hitsugaya sat at his desk, and tried to refrain from snapping at his oblivious lieutenant.

He gave up rather fast.

"Matsumoto," he gritted out, eyeing the mud adorning his once pristine office floor, "why in Hell's name is there a mutt in the office? And why is it so…muddy?"

Muddy didn't even come close to describing the…_thing_…sitting in front of him wagging its stumpy tail. He couldn't even tell what colour the dog was! Not to mention the fact that there were a lot of leaves and twigs sticking out in random places from the muck, turning the puppy (at least, he thought it was) into a walking mud-monster.

A _happy_ mud-monster whose tail was flinging more of the infernal stuff everywhere, including on the very irate Captain. It was trying what very little patience he possessed.

"Isn't he cute?! I found him just sitting next to the road on the way here, and he was really, really wet and muddy and…" she gushed, pleased with herself. She paused when she saw her Captain's disbelieving look. "Okay, okay! I brought the dog as revenge on Kasumi!"

Hitsugaya stared at her. "What did Kasumi do? And is she even aware that she did something wrong?"

His lieutenant nodded vigorously, shaking her fist at the air. "Yes, yes! She refused to treat me to lunch! But, after careful study, I have discovered her weakness!"

"She's allergic to dogs?"

Matsumoto pouted. "No, not that I'm aware of."

"Then why is the dog here?!"

"Because I discovered Kasumi's weakness!"

The poor guy twitched. This was getting nowhere…then again, he wasn't all that surprised by that fact. Reasoning with Matsumoto was like trying to reason with a rock—except that (in his expert opinion) the rock had a higher IQ than this woman. A rock knew to roll downhill. "Care to elaborate?"

"Well, you've seen how well she gets along with Yachiru, right?!" He nodded, suspicious for absolutely no reason that he could see. "She also likes you a lot!"

"What do Lieutenant Kusajishi and I have in common?" This seemed like a logical question to him, although it sent his lieutenant into fits of laughter. "What?" he snapped.

"I've also seen how she looks at little animals! It's the same!"

Okay, he _really _didn't like where this was headed. "What are you trying to imply?!"

Grinning broadly at her own cleverness (or lack thereof—it remains to be seen) Matsumoto held up the Abominable Mud-Dog in front of her. "She likes small, cute things!"

He twitched again. She did _not_ just call him _cute_ and place him among the same category as that…thing. "So, your brilliant plan is…"

"Kasumi's weakness is cute things!" she deftly avoided his question and gave a proud look at the puppy now sitting at her feet again.

The puppy stared back at her with the biggest, brown eyes she had ever seen. She was immediately trapped as she stared back. She glomped the little dog, not caring about the muck now on her front.

"And, apparently, yours too…" Hitsugaya remarked dryly, watching the hearts coming off of the two. Then the puppy squirmed in Matsumoto's grip until he could focus on the Captain as well. They stared at each other for a minute.

_No, must…must resist…_

_Awwww…._

He gave up. The dog was just too cute.

Noticing the softer look in Hitsugaya's eyes, Matsumoto took the opportunity to glomp him as well—declaring that he was the 'cutest captain ever.'

Unknown to the occupants of the room, Kasumi had been standing by the door the entire time, holding paperwork to be delivered to 10th.

'_It seems that this is Captain Hitsugaya's weakness as well.'_

Armed with this powerful information, she set the paperwork down quietly and tiptoed off back to her own waiting mountains of paper.

--

…**No excuses…**

**But it was cute, right?!**

**Please review; I don't know how anybody actually feels about these side stories.**


	5. Just Do The Damn Paperwork

**Disclaimer: Ah yes. This. . .THING. . .again. . .damn you all. I don't own Bleach. Although I am on the lookout for Ulquiorra and Shuuhei plushies.**

**Actually, this side story could pass as a one-shot, but I don't feel like posting it like that. It's funny and perfect right here. Enjoy!**

**Ichigo and Rukia take the stage! (With Kasumi, off course. If she wasn't there, we wouldn't even know that this happened!!)**

**--**

Ichigo looked up at the terrifying sound of paperwork scattering everywhere. Now, normally this wouldn't have been too much of a problem. Unless you happened to be a member of Squads 12 (due to too much 'research'), 11 (due to too much 'playtime'), 10 (due to Matsumoto's 'disinclination' to work), 8 (due to the Captain's 'disinclination' to work), and 5.

Through no fault of his own (lie), Ichigo's squad was always in a perpetual state of burial by paperwork. One wrong move could send everything crashing down, and maybe cause some serious injuries.

Like now, for instance.

Even though he had reacted fast, Ichigo never did catch any glimpse of what had led to Hinamori's accident involving one particularly unstable stack of paper. However, the aftermath was easy to see, even considering the normal state of chaos the room was rapidly becoming infamous for.

"Hey, Momo! You okay?" he called, cautiously wading through the paper. Hearing a muffled reply, he headed in the direction of where Momo's desk was _supposed_ to be. When it wasn't buried.

Then he paused.

There was a weird feeling in his nose. Judging on past experience and his current surroundings, Ichigo knew that this wasn't going to end well.

"**ACHOO!!"**

Paperwork flew in every direction. Slipping on a sheet, Ichigo toppled into the waiting stacks to join his lieutenant in being buried alive.

--

Kasumi stared at 5th Division's closed office doors with apprehension. Since she had never seen the inside of the building before, and she generally didn't pay any attention when people were gossiping, she was unaware of the danger that lurked beyond.

On the other hand, she could definitely feel the rather ominous vibes emanating from the room.

Cautiously, she opened the sliding door…

--

Sometime later, Rukia arrived to deliver some more papers from 13th. When she turned the corner of the building, the sight she saw was almost shocking enough to make her drop the paperwork she carried. Luckily, she managed to keep a tight grip on the things and not make a bigger mess than there already was.

'_I didn't think that there was anyone left who didn't know to stand to the side when opening that door!!'_ Rukia thought, setting her burden down and rushing over to help the poor, unfortunate soul that was undoubtedly buried beneath the avalanche of Important Documents.

After the top couple of layers had been removed, Kasumi sprung from the mess, scaring Rukia. "What the Hell?! I thought I was gonna die in there!" she wheezed. Peering around, she spied her savior who was looking a little rattled. "Oh, Rukia! Thanks! You saved my life…"

"Sure…no problem, Kasumi," she replied, standing up again. _'Of course. No one bothered to tell Kasumi…since it was common knowledge…'_

Then she paused.

"Wait…Kasumi?"

"Yeah?" She looked up, brushing dust off of her pants (from the papers…some of them hadn't been touched in a long time and had a lot of dust).

Rukia blinked. "Is it me or…is you head bleeding?" She pointed.

Kasumi touched the back of her head, and inspected her hand. "Yup. It's bleeding."

The other lieutenant sighed. That's not where she meant… "I meant…on your forehead…how in the world would I be able to see the back of your head anyway…?"

"Ah, I see," Kasumi remarked, a light dawning in her eyes. "True, you have a point. You shouldn't worry about it! It's probably just a paper cut."

"But you should worry about the back of your head bleeding!" Rukia exclaimed, having a hard time believing that she was actually having this conversation to begin with.

"I must have hit it when that avalanche came down on me," Kasumi explained. "Don't worry; I'll go see Unohana soon. But first…let's just push these all back in there, okay? The ones I was supposed to deliver are somewhere in here…but they'll be impossible to find. This way, I can at least say I put them in the office."

Rukia sighed. In the end, both she and Kasumi got everything stuffed back in there. "Hey, how did you not see the paperwork mess from the window?" Rukia asked, curious.

Kasumi gave her a blank stare, and then ushered her out of the room. Pointing at the window, she made it obvious to Rukia that the blinds had been drawn. Because of the paperwork, this was not something noticeable from inside the office itself. You had to go outside.

"That's sad," Rukia remarked, heading back in with Kasumi. That's when they noticed the chaotic corner where there were no piles standing. A very odd sight indeed.

The two looked at each other. "Uh, oh," they said in unison, going over to help the victims that were definitely there. Or, they would have if Kasumi had not run into the covered couch and fallen back into the mess herself.

Pausing to extricate her friend, Rukia pulled her out and they did, finally, go and help Momo and Ichigo.

--

"How in the world did it even get that bad?" Kasumi asked, while all four of them were on their way to 4th Division to get checked for serious injuries (then again, they would probably notice it if it was too serious).

"I don't know," Ichigo replied, coughing a little from inhaling too much dust. There was a lung check with a cold stethoscope in his immediate future. "I'm really amazed at how fast it piles up. You'd think the other squads would be just as messy, if not messier, though! How come they're so clean and we're not?!"

"Just do the damn paperwork," Kasumi muttered darkly.

"13th Division actually does their paperwork," Rukia replied, just going along make sure everyone else was okay. "Imagine—what if you actually did yours, Ichigo?"

Ichigo shook his head. "Alright, fine. What about 12, then?!"

"It gets used in experiments." Everyone stared at Kasumi. "What?" she asked. "I'm the only one in 9th willing to deliver there!"

They shook their heads in disbelief. There had been a running bet on what 12th did with its papers. It seems that Nanao was going to be coming into a lot of cash soon…

"1st Division?!" Ichigo yelled, picking random squads.

"They have the entire Admin. Staff," Kasumi explained, once again.

"How do you know these things…?" Ichigo stared at the transferee.

"Observation," she muttered sarcastically. "That and the last one is just common sense."

Ignoring the small jibe, Ichigo continued, more curious about the extent of Kasumi's knowledge on the subject than anything else. "2nd?"

"Lots and lots of underlings to do it."

"3rd?"

"Kira doesn't have too much; the other squads help out since there's no Captain there."

"4th?"

"They get a lot of paperwork, but they also have a lot of people who can handle it. Besides, apparently Captain Unohana is scary when she's mad. The paperwork gets done."

Ichigo shivered, remembering one particularly scary encounter with the captain. "Yeah. And 6th?" he asked, even though he already knew the answer to that one.

"Captain Kuchiki rules with an iron fist. It gets done."

"7th?"

"They do their paperwork like they're supposed to."

"8th?" Actually, this was one that had been bugging him for a while.

"Nanao doesn't get much sleep," Kasumi commented with a shake of her head for the poor woman.

"9th?"

"My Captain and I do our paperwork, and anything we're behind on I take home to finish."

"Dedication," Ichigo muttered sarcastically.

"Ha. Ha," Kasumi muttered back, also sarcastically. "Nightmares."

"Oh. 10th?" Another one that had been bothering him.

"That one is rather interesting, actually. Captain Hitsugaya waits a week or two, removes the paperwork Rangiku stuffs into or under the couch, and puts it in a storage room. There are actually more of the infernal stacks in there than in your office. But it's not an occupational hazard like your office."

"It's neat because Shorty has type A blood," Ichigo huffed. Then he paused. "Wait, how do you know?"

"Rangiku showed it to me once. With great pride, for some reason."

Everyone shrugged.

"Okay, and last but not least—what does 11th Division do with all the paperwork they don't do? Because I know they don't do it," Ichigo stated.

"Actually, Yumichika does a little, but I'm not sure what happens to the rest." Kasumi froze in her tracks. "Come to think of it, what DO they do with it?"

They all stopped. "That's a really good question," Rukia remarked, thinking on it.

That was when they all realized that they didn't particularly _want_ to know. It was better that way.

--

In conclusion, they eventually reached 4th Division and spent the next couple of hours being examined.

Ichigo's scream when the cold stethoscope was placed on his chest was hilarious.

After the intensive check-up, they were all given a clean bill of health. Except for Ichigo, who had inhaled too much dust. He was given a medicine to clean his lungs that made them weak for a little while.

As a result, he later caught a cold. But that's a story for another day.

--

**Me: Just do the damn paperwork, Ichigo. Come on, even I can do it.**

**Kasumi: Even though you are shockingly lazy and should be doing homework right now.**

**Me: That's beside the point.**

**Kasumi: Uh huh. Sure. In any case, didn't your last job involve paperwork?**

**Me: Yup. Normally we'd go through two reams of paper a day. Three or four on payroll days. Although, one day I alone went through maybe 15 or 16.**

**Kasumi: …What in the world did you need all that for…?**

**Me: Something or other.**

**Kasumi: Helpful.**


	6. Lunch Break of DOOM

**Disclaimer: I had some cooking of mine go horribly awry some time ago and thought it would make a funny story. This isn't that story. In other news, I don't own Bleach. Shocker.**

**Well, this was supposed to star Hitsugaya and Matsumoto…but I decided to write about what happened during Kasumi and Matsumoto's **_**eventful**_** lunch. I'm writing the one about Hitsugaya and Matsumoto under a slightly different title than this one.**

**Enjoy, anyway!**

* * *

Once she had finally shooed Matsumoto out of her apartment, Kasumi surveyed the damage her friend had done. There was muck everywhere. And she didn't actually know how you were supposed to clean it up.

Well, she didn't know about the carpeted areas. She did know how to get it off of the wood part of the floor. Oh, the wonder of sock mops. There was just one problem. Her socks weren't exactly in the best of condition, since they were soaked completely through with mud. They were completely useless.

She stood there, idealess, for a minute. All of her towels were in the bathroom, and she was at the doorway in all of her dirty clothes. Her spare uniform was in her bedroom.

Giving up, she just stripped right in front of the door, leaving her dirty uniform in on the floor next to her shoes. Then she bolted for her bathroom, ducking past the windows on her way. When she reached her destination, she slammed the door shut and made a mental note to put a couple of towels near the entrance to her apartment from now on.

It took her a full five minutes to disentangle her hair from her hair-tie. After starting the shower water, she waited for it to warm up while raking leaves and twigs (among other things) out of her hair. Once she was satisfied that both the water and her hair were to her liking, she climbed in.

However, while she was thoroughly scrubbing away everything nasty that was stuck to her person, Matsumoto walked right into the bathroom. Kasumi didn't notice this at first, but when she did, she yelped in surprise.

"Out!" she pointed towards the door, cursing herself for leaving it unlocked. She really needed to fix that bad habit. Then again, she was fairly certain she had locked the front door…

Matsumoto zipped out of the bathroom at the speed of light at Kasumi's order. Kasumi sighed, continuing her shower. What had her neighbor come in for, anyway?

* * *

Rangiku cursed Kasumi's sharp eyes silently. She had picked the lock to Kasumi's apartment door easily, and discovered the dirty uniform as soon as she opened it. She thought it was hilarious, but then realized that Kasumi was now completely naked and was probably still in the shower.

It was the perfect time to see Kasumi's tattoo!

So, she had quietly snuck up to the bathroom (imagining herself to be the sneaky ninja-extraordinaire), and opened the door. To her disappointment, there was too much mist in there to see anything other than Kasumi's blurry outline. Just how hot was that water?!

Well, since Kasumi had quickly discovered her, Matsumoto now felt slightly like a fool. She would have to come up with a way to get her revenge.

All of a sudden, the perfect idea came to her.

* * *

Wrapping a towel securely around her person, Kasumi tentatively stepped out of the bathroom. Not seeing her neighbor anywhere, she lightly padded over to her bedroom and shut the door, remembering to lock it this time.

Now that she felt safe, she dug through her clothes in order to find the right ones. And then she paused.

"**RANGIKU!! GIVE ME BACK MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!"**

* * *

Matsumoto was sitting on the kitchen floor twirling a bra around on her finger when she heard the screams. For some reason, it made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

* * *

Once the articles of clothing were returned to her, Kasumi dressed in a hurry. The rest of the lunch was she was silent, and was trying very hard to ignore her friend's liberal teasing. She was also ignoring Datenshi's complaints at still being stuck underneath the muddy uniform.

What Matsumoto didn't know, though, was that Kasumi was already plotting her revenge.

* * *

**Short, but fun-filled for poor Kasumi. Please review!**

**Oh, and I'm putting up a new poll for which chapter I should write next for Explanations!**


	7. Insane Friends Part 1

_**Real life inspiration for Shia**_**: I shall give the Disclaimer! The authoress does not own Bleach! Seriously. She has none in her house. She uses wipes instead, because she spilled the last of the bleach on the carpet and made a blonde streak that she's hoping her stepfather won't notice! Oh, and I have to give the warning too! Here goes!**

**Warning: Much, much RANDOMNESS! This is what happens when the authoress was sleep-deprived for a few weeks! She was getting really twitchy! It was so funny!! Also, this has been completed for about two years and she never got around to it so I am updating for her! Yay! Uh-oh. (Authoress in background, yelling, "Where the hell is my laptop?!") I gotta go before she kills me! (Scurries away.)**

* * *

Kasumi and Shuuhei were doing their paperwork in the office like usual. For once, Arianri had not bothered them with her weekly phone call yet, and Kasumi was beginning to get scared. Not for her adoptive mother of course, no she was terrified for herself. The longer Arianri went without calling her daughter, the higher the chances were that she would show up randomly in the office and disturb her work.

Shuuhei noticed her nervousness. "Are you okay, Kasumi?"

"I'm fine Captain," she replied, just as the door was thrown across the room and Arianri crashed in. "Not anymore," she amended.

"Hello, Kasumi! How is my favourite daughter doing today?!"

"Great, until you showed up. Why are you here? Are you skipping work again?"

The Captain-General of the American branch had enough of a conscience to look slightly guilty, while lying her ass off. "No, of course not! What makes you think that?"

Kasumi stared at her mother, before turning back to her paperwork. "Why couldn't you have just called, like normal? Then I could have put you on speakerphone so that I could work and ignore your ramblings at the same time."

"You ignore me? That's so mean!"

The girl rolled her eyes, while Shuuhei tried not to laugh at the pair.

Arianri then seemed to remember something. "Oh, you know the friends that you asked me to keep an eye on?"

Her daughter didn't like the sound of that.

"Well…Shia, Makielia, Christov, and Takimi are not the only ones who can see me now! They all can!"

Kasumi gave Arianri an incredulous look. "Really? All thirteen of them?" The color was starting to drain from the lieutenant's face.

"Yup!" Arianri quickly lunged for the phone on Kasumi's desk and started dialing before Kasumi could stop her.

"What are you doing?!"

"Calling them! Shia gave me her cell number and said that they would all be together today!" Arianri put it on speakerphone so that she could listen in, too.

Shuuhei didn't really feel like stopping them. It seemed like fun. He was just going to treat it as an extension of the weekly phone calls.

Kasumi was cut off in mid-shout by a voice (translated to Japanese by the phone) asking, _"Hello?"_

"Hiya, Shia!"

"_Hello, Arianri! Hold on, let me put you on speakerphone so I don't drive off the road again."_ There were some rustling noises. _"There! Say hello to Arianri, everyone!"_

A chorus of people all shouted their greetings to the Captain-General.

"Hey, guys! Guess what?! I'm in Japan, and Kasumi is here! Say hello Kasumi!" Silence. "Kasumi, you could at least say hi to your old friends, couldn't you?"

"Don't feel like it," came the grumbled reply from the irritated girl. There was laughter from the other end of the line. "Mom, do you have any idea how much money this phone call is going to cost?"

The older woman shrugged. "No, and I don't really care."

There was a lot of laughter from the people who were still alive. As well as several people shouting what sounded like, _"Ahhhh!!! Shia! Keep your eyes on the road!"_

Shuuhei broke down laughing, as well. Kasumi gave him a death glare. "What?" he asked.

"Shut up!"

"Don't want to, and you technically can't make me."

"_Hey! Kasumi!"_ three voices yelled at the same time.

"Hi Becky, Chloe, and Sarah. By the way, how did you know that I changed my name?" Arianri raised her hand. "Never mind."

"_Who's the hot-sounding guy?! Is he hot?! Does he belong to you?!"_

Kasumi looked around. "Hot guy?! Where?!" She blinked. "There's no one else besides me here, except for my mother and my Captain."

"That's really mean, Kasumi!"

"You deserved it. You laughed."

"_Can we have him?"_ the girls all asked at the same time, again, deadly serious.

"I don't think that the Women's Association here would let you."

"_Awwww! Are you sure?"_

"Positive."

There were suddenly some screams of, _"Oh shit!"_ and, _"Watch out, Shia!"_ not to mention, _"TREE!!!"_ Other random yells were also heard, _"OH GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!"_

The line suddenly went dead, and a dial tone resounded throughout the office. Arianri and Shuuhei stared at Kasumi, who was beginning a countdown.

"Five…Four…Three…Two…One…"

Then the line came back on with the yell, _"God dammit!!"_ and sounds of the cell phone being hit against something hard. _"How about you get chucked out a window?!"_

There was a small voice in the background, chanting like a mantra, _"Hands on the wheel. Hands on the wheel. Hands on the wheel…"_

A horn honked. Shia could be heard yelling, _"Can't you see I'm driving, crazy people?!"_

A quiet voice in the background mumbled, _"No, not really."_

"_EYES ON THE GOD DAMN ROAD, SHIA!!!!"_

"_Fine! Why don't you take the phone then?!"_

"_OW! Why did you chuck the phone at me?! I didn't say anything!"_

"_Sorry, Christov. Automatic response."_

"_At least it wasn't a knife this time…"_ the boy mumbled. Then, _"Hey, I think there's a signal! And a call…Hello?"_

"_Christov! You're magical!"_

"_Don't touch me!"_

"_Hands and eyes on the road, Shia."_

"_OK, Makielia!"_

"_When __**she**__ says it, Shia just does it!"_

Humming coming from the background,_ "I'm driving. I'm driving." _Then a yell of, _"Oooooh…Shiny!"_

"_SHIA!!!!!!!!!!"_

"Hello, guys," Kasumi responded to Christov's question.

There was sudden silence on the other end of the line. Then, like the breaking of the Grand Coulee Dam, _**"KASUMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!"**_

More honking. A siren joined in. Silence again from the vehicle. Slowly, voices were heard, getting steadily louder by the second. _"No, Shia, no. Bad Shia! Bad! This is a 25 mph zone, Shia!"_

Then, suddenly, _"LET'S RACE!!"_

"_NOOOOOOO!!!!!"_

While listening to the random screams issuing from the phone, Shuuhei and Arianri stared at Kasumi, like she was somehow at fault for this.

"Yes, I realize my friends are legally insane. In fact, I think Shia now lives in an insane asylum."

"Then…why is she driving? Or even out, for that matter?"

Kasumi blinked, thinking about the question carefully before answering. (There are still screams coming from the phone.) She finally answered, "I have no idea. When I was alive, Shia and Makielia lived in the same house with me, and Makielia did most of the driving."

Arianri mumbled, "In America, you can voluntarily commit yourself. Then you can leave when you want to."

The siren disappeared from the noise from the phone. _"I can't believe that Shia managed to escape from a cop car in a minivan,"_ Christov whispered.

"I've noticed something," Kasumi remarked. "How come Chidiko and Yuna haven't said anything?"

"_My name isn't Yuna!"_

"_Chidiko passed out awhile ago. And Yuna—"_

"_MY NAME ISN'T YUNA!!!"_

"_He's just been gripping his seat in terror."_

"Why in the world did you let Shia drive in the first place?"

"_We didn't. Takimi was the first driver."_

"The shortest person drove the minivan?"

"_Yes. After awhile, I ordered everyone out for a pit stop, and somehow I ended up in one of the front passenger seats along with Makielia. Then Shia just drove us away before we could switch again."_ Takimi sounded annoyed.

"_I'm going to change the radio station,"_ Christov announced. A slapping sound was heard.

"_Do not touch the radio,"_ Shia growled menacingly.

"_Hands on the wheel, Shia!"_

"_Okay, vote time! Who is the worst driver here?"_ the chipper Chloe, Becky, and Sarah yelled.

"…_Surprised she didn't die in a car crash—Kasumi."_ That was Shia.

"_That's so mean! It's not nice to say something like that! Even if it's true, you must respect the dead!"_

"You know, Christov, that was probably more insulting," Kasumi told him.

"_Kasumi,"_ Makielia deadpanned.

"…_Kasumi…"_

The lieutenant blinked. "Was…that…just…Chidiko?"

"_Yeah, and he's still passed out."_

"_I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that I might incriminate myself. _Cough, _Kasumi,_ Cough_."_

"Takimi…" Kasumi began threateningly.

"_Are you catching a cold?"_

"_No, Shia."_

"_Then what was that coughing?"_

"…_uhhhh…"_

"_Here's some cough medicide!"_

"_Don't you mean medicine?"_

"_Whatever!"_

"_Ow! Why did you throw it at me again?!"_

"_Sorry, Christov. Automatic response."_

"_That's what she said last time…"_

"_I've never actually ridden with her…so I wouldn't know…"_

"_Lucky you, Yuna."_

"_MY NAME ISN'T YUNA! I'M A GUY!"_

"I'm not that bad of a driver!" Kasumi griped.

"_Oh yeah? What about the time you forgot you were driving and drove into a ditch?"_ Shia informed her dead friend.

"That was a one-time thing…"

"_And the time you got rear-ended because you had forgotten you were driving again and had stopped to watch the clouds?"_

"Uhhhh….." Kasumi was steadily turning red.

"_Remember when you nearly backed into a ravine because you couldn't see the road?"_

"It was dark out! The road was really narrow! And I got someone to help me before I actually went into the ravine!"

"_But, weren't they really drunk, too?"_

"Uhhhh….."

"_And there was that time when you rear-ended somebody—in the parking lot of the Department of Licensing, not two minutes after you got your license."_

"_Then there was also the time when you nearly took out that mailbox."_

"How did you find out about that, Zane?"

"_I was with you!"_

"_She didn't deny it…"_

"Technically, she hasn't even tried to deny any of them," Arianri observed.

"Well, how's the weather?" Kasumi was desperate to get the attention away from her.

"_Don't try to change the subject. It won't work."_

"_Weather here is fine! How's yours?"_

"_Shia! It's raining!"_

"_It is?"_

"_You're driving! How can you not notice that it's raining?!"_

"_I am?"_

Silence ensued.

"Shia can change the subject better than I ever could."

The hyper, slightly insane girl started humming again. _"Another day, another dollar, another dead body…"_

Silence again from everyone else. More humming, _"Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap!"_

Kasumi didn't have to try hard to imagine the shocked looks Shia must be getting right about now, as Arianri and Shuuhei had some rather interesting ones plastered to their faces. "This is normal," she explained. "But still rather creepy."

"_OH! We never finished the poll! Show of hands! Who thinks that Kasumi is the worst driver here?"_

"_One…Two...Twelve…Fourteen…"_

"_Hands on the wheel Shia!"_

"_Ummm…Shia? There's only thirteen people here."_

"_Then who's that next to Christov?"_

"_A dead person," Makielia answered._

"_Oh, okay!"_

There was a horrified scream from Christov in the background.

"_We were just joking, Christov."_

"_Yay! I caught a Christov!"_

"_Let go of me, Zane!"_

"_You will be my precious pet and I will never let you go!"_

"_Scary thing is…he's serious…"_

"_AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"_

"_I even have a collar and leash right here!"_

"_The fact that he carried those around with him…"_

"_No! If he's going to put me in a collar, it has to be a blue shock-collar with jingly bells!"_

"…_You scare me sometimes, Christov…"_

"_Good thing I already bought you one!"_

Screams from the depths of Hell itself issued from the phone.

_**Chomp!**_

"_Ow! You bit me!"_

"_You tried to put a collar on me that totally clashed with what I was wearing."_

"_Uhhh…" _came a new voice. _"Guys, I need another pit stop…"_

"_Again, Kahmia?!"_

"_Oh lookie! There's one!"_

Screaming.

"_That was four lanes of traffic! Where in the world did you find this minivan?!"_

"_Find?????"_ Kasumi could practically see the blonde's confused look. _"I didn't find it! I made it!"_

"_Shia…you've been driving us around…in a demonic car…you…"_

"_Don't call Frankie demonic!"_

"_You named your minivan Frankie?"_

"_No, I named him Frankenstein. Frankie is just easier to say. Right Frankie?"_

The radio station in the van changed, and a slightly demonic, lazy, drifty voice came out, _"Yeeeesssss."_ Then the station switched back. It seemed that everyone had forgotten Kasumi on the other end of the line.

"_AWWW, Frankie's being talkative!"_

"…_I don't have to go anymore…"_

"_Umm…Makielia? Why are you twitching? Are you having a seizure or something?"_

"_Let's just have that pit stop."_

"_Ok! Everyone out!"_

Kasumi could hear the doors all being slammed shut, with the phone still in the van. "Uh, guys? Hello? Anyone there?"

The radio suddenly switched itself on, and a slightly demonic, lazy, drifty voice started to sing. _"I'm soooo loonnelllllyyyyyy…. You've grooown so cooold, Kasuuumiiiii…"_

_

* * *

  
_

_**Theeerree wiiiillll be a seeeeccoonnd paaaaarrrt…Kekekekekeke….**_

**(Authoress whimpering in the background. The real-life inspiration for Shia yelling, "Yay, Frankie!")**

_**IIIIII foooouuunnndd yyyoooouuuu….Hehehehehehehehehe…kekekekekekekekekekekeke…**_


	8. Insane Friends Part 2

**Frankie scares me… Oh, and I apologize for the real life Shia messing up the Disclaimer earlier. I have punished her for stealing my laptop. (Opens closet, revealing girl tied up with a gag. Closes door again.) She won't be bugging me for awhile. At least, until she figures out how to get out of there…**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. (Looks all shifty-eyed. Goes to another closet to reveal Hanatarou tied up. Closes door quickly.) You saw nothing! (Scurries away.)**

**

* * *

  
**

Shuuhei and Arianri were panicking. Nobody knew what Kasumi was doing, since she had vanished completely. Thus the reason for the panicking. The creepy minivan had stopped singing upon the departure of its latest victim.

However, the occasional _kekekekeke_ could be heard.

Suddenly, they could hear Kasumi's friends coming back to the van after the pit stop.

"Guys!" they both yelled, scaring the daylights out of the live people.

There were cries of, _"The phone is possessed!"_ from Shia and Christov. Plus random screaming. Then someone hit them, and they promptly shut up.

"_What's wrong?"_ Makielia asked.

"After the van started talking to Kasumi, she made a 'meep' sound and vanished! We can't find her anywhere!"

"_Frankie, did you say anything to Kasumi?"_

"_IIIIII oooonnlyyy sssaaaiiddd heeeeellllll-o. Kekekekekekekeke…."_

"_Oh, okay!"_ Shia had completely missed the creepy noises her vehicle was making.

"_Uh, Shia?"_

"_Yeah, Elle?"_

"_When you were counting earlier, were you counting Frankie?"_

"_Uh-huh."_

"_That's just creepy."_

"Hello? What about my daughter?" Arianri asked the group.

"_Oh, I wouldn't worry about her," _a voice they recognized as Makielia informed them. _"When she was alive, she used to pull stunts like that all the time. She's probably under a desk, in a closet, or on top of a bookshelf. Those are the usual places."_

"_Whenever something creeps her out, or scares her, Kasumi has a tendency to pull a vanishing act. Oh, and you forgot about the couch, Makielia."_

"_Thanks Shia. Yeah, if you can't find her in those places, she might be under a couch. Or, if it's one that turns into a bed, she's probably in it."_

"But, there's no lump in the couch."

"_Don't let it faze you. She's just talented like that."_

"Shuuhei, you go find her!" Arianri ordered, pointing dramatically at the couch.

He stared at her. "Why only me?"

"Because I outrank you!" She looked smug.

Shrugging, he turned to do as she ordered, when suddenly Kasumi's head popped out of the couch scaring him. "How the hell did you get in there?!"

She blinked. "I have no idea." Struggling a little, she glared at nothing in particular. "In any case, can you help me? I seem to be stuck."

After five minutes of pulling and Arianri cheering uselessly on the sidelines, Shuuhei finally extracted his lieutenant from the grip of the couch.

"_NO SHIA, NO!" _While nobody was paying attention, Shia had started driving again.

"_I know where I'm going!"_

"_I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!!" _multiple people yelled.

"_I swear there's a grocery store right here!"_

"_Why are we going to a grocery store?!" _Elle yelled.

"_I need flowers! Lots of flowers! Enough to fill a coffin!"_

"_Are you planning on digging somebody up?!"_

Makielia mumbled, _"I'd be more concerned about her putting somebody in_."

Shia paused. "_Yes/No_," Shia and Frankie responded together. There was another pause. "_Maybe_," they chorused.

"_But we also need snacks and picnic supplies because I feel bad about poisoning—I mean! Eh hehehe. Don't eat the chips."_

"_What did you put in them, Shia?!"_

"…_N-new form of chloroform?"_

"…_Are you asking _us_?"_

"_M-maybe. Why don't you try the chips and tell me?"_

"Don't try the chips," Kasumi advised.

"_Try the chips…they're a new flavor…"_

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah…"_

"Christov! Don't listen to her!" Kasumi, Arianri, and Shuuhei all yelled.

"_They lie, Christov…they just don't want you to have the chips…"_

"_Shia, take off the Hypno Glasses while you're driving."_ Makielia was trying desperately to remedy the situation.

"_I just enjoy watching all the other drivers swerve off the road…"_

"_Save them for the grocery store."_

Kahmia piped up again, "You guys, we passed that grocery store a while ago. And we're still going the wrong way…"

"_Sometimes, Kahmia, you have to go the wrong way to get to the right place,"_ Shia said sagely. _ "But when that doesn't work—EMERGENCY U-TURN!!"_

Bloodcurdling screams came from the phone, causing one curious shinigami to poke his head into the room. And then he retracted it quickly when Kasumi glared at him for the intrusion.

"_Don't you have your hands on the wheel to do a U-turn?"_ Makielia calmly observed.

"_I'm magical_," Frankie replied.

"_Don't you mean 'demonic'?"_

"_I'm magically demonic. This is ten times better than magically delicious—which I also am."_

"Somehow I doubt that," Arianri shook her head, giggling.

"_Never doubt Frankie_," Shia cried, insulted.

"_I can show you what I mean_," Frankie offered.

"No thanks. I'll pass."

"_I wasn't offering it to you! I talking to Kasumi."_

Shuuhei and Arianri latched onto Kasumi's arms to keep her from bolting.

A voice that they'd heard before once or twice came on the phone. _"Hi, dead-people-who-aren't-Kasumi. I'm sorry, but Derek and I never got the chance to introduce ourselves. Derek, say 'Hi'."_

"_Hi,"_ Derek said.

"_And I'm Elle. We were mostly too busy screaming to introduce ourselves until now, and I'm sorry about that."_

"_Twenty-four cheeseburgers, please!"_ Shia shouted.

"_Shia. That is a box of cereal you're talking to. You know that, right?" _Elle had apparently wandered away in order to deal with this.

"_How dare you insult this lovely person! I should string you up for that."_

"_I'll help!"_ Frankie seemed pleased with this idea.

"_Why twenty-four?"_ Derek wondered. _"There are only fourteen people here, and that's counting Frankie…"_

"_I wonder if they'll be mad that we parked inside the grocery store…"_ Kahmia interrupted Derek.

"_No they'll just be amazed at the fact that he got in here without breaking anything in the process," _Makielia reassured her.

"_How, Shia? How did you manage this?" _Elle couldn't help but ask.

"_I can't tell you everything about Frankie. He would be insulted."_

"_I think I'll live despite being insulted."_

"_I'd like to check out now…"_

"_Again, Shia, wrong place. This is cheese."_

"_Damn, I was sure I had it this time_." There was a pause. _"Hey little boy, want some candy?"_

"_No Shia! There are so many things wrong with that! First of all, that is a grown man! He's taller than you!"_ Takimi yelled.

"_Sure, I like candy_," a deep, gravelly voice replied to Shia's question.

"It's seems that Shia made a new friend," Kasumi smiled, happy for her friend.

Shuuhei stared at Kasumi. He couldn't go back to work now, even if he wanted to. "Where did you meet these people?"

Kasumi looked around nervously. "Various…places…"

"_Like the gutter!"_ Zane yelled.

"_Shh…telling the truth will take all the fun out of it!"_

"_Right you are, Shia! Silly me, I forgot."_

Christov cut in, "_Here are the flowers Shia!"_

"_Thank you. But…what are they for?"_

"_You wanted them, remember?! That was the whole reason we came!"_

"_Oh yeah…well you didn't get enough."_

"_But…this is a lot…"_

"_Buy the store out."_

"_I already did!"_

"_Oh. Well, okay then. Let's go!"_

"_Hold on, Shia_," Elle growled. "_Show of hands, everyone! Who wants Shia to drive?"_ She paused for a second. "_No, your votes don't count Shia, Frankie."_

"_I nominate Makielia_!" Zane yelled.

"_What? No!"_ Makielia protested.

"_NOOO!!"_ Frankie cried. "_Never again! I want to stay in one piece!"_

"_Too bad for both of you, you're outvoted. Get in the van, Makielia."_

"_I refuse_!"

"_Me, too_!" Frankie sobbed.

Eventually Makielia was shoved into the driver's seat. "_It won't start_," she said.

"_I refuse to start for her!"_

"_Okay, I'll drive_," Shia volunteered.

The van started.

"_Hey! You tricked me!"_ Frankie yelled. "_Kasumi! Save me!"_

"Never."

"_My poor door…"_ he continued to sob in the background.

"_TO THE GRAVEYARD!!!" _Chloe, Becky, and Sarah cheered.

"Seriously?!" Kasumi and Shuuhei yelled.

Arianri blinked. "Didn't I tell you that's where they were going? Huh. Must have forgotten."

"_My door…"_

"_Shut up, Frankie!"_

"_Don't worry, Frankie…I'm on your side…it will be alright, I swear_," Christov comforted the mini-van.

"_Sniffle…my toy…is the only one who understands…"_ Frankie was bawling in earnest.

"_Quit being melodramatic. It wasn't that bad_," Makielia growled.

"_You took my door off!"_

"_And we flew out of it_!" Chidiko and Zane yelled.

"_I stopped and came back for you!"_

"_You tried to back over us, twice!"_

"_Details, details."_

"_I want a stunt man while she's driving!"_ Frankie demanded.

**Crunch.**

"What just happened?" Arianri asked.

Kasumi looked worriedly at the phone. "I don't know. What happened, you guys?"

"_Ooh… this is why I want a stuntman…"_

"_Sorry Kasumi. I hit your gravestone. I think it fell over."_

"_It's fine! Nothing that a little duct tape won't fix! Quick, find the witnesses and take them out!"_

"_Sure."_

"_Wait, you're the dude from the grocery store! When did you get here?!"_

"_Shia offered me candy to get in the van. But there was no room, so I rode on top."_

"_We would've made room for you!"_

"_You didn't even notice my presence. And besides, the top seemed safer."_

"Wait wait, back up. You're at my grave?!"

"_Yeah. It's a little late, but…HAPPY DEATH-DAY!!!"_ everyone yelled.

"Is this something to celebrate in America?" Shuuhei asked.

"No! It's not!"

"_We just wanted to do something special for you, to show that we miss you_," Yuna explained.

Arianri smiled at Kasumi. "And because of your death, I get to be your mother!"

Shuuhei chuckled. "And I get to be your Captain."

"_And we wanted to make you smile!"_ Shia added, helpfully.

She looked away. "I can't believe this. People are actually celebrating my death." But she was turning slightly red.

"_Where's the picnic stuff?!"_

She twitched. "You're seriously eating lunch on my grave?"

"_Well, technically two graves because there's a lot of us…and it's actually a midnight snack since it's actually about two in the morning here."_

"_Not helping, Shia,_" Chidiko informed her.

"_I have lots of flowers for both coffins—I mean graves! I'll take a few pictures and send them to you through Arianri!"_

Kasumi opened her mouth to say something scathing, but stopped short. She scratched her head for a second. "…I would…actually like that…" She sent a death glare to the phone. "But you have to send me pictures of all of you, too!"

"_No problem. Now, if you'll excuse us…we're going to make good on an old threat. We're going to have a party over your dead body!"_

**Click.**

Kasumi stared at the phone. "Did Shia just hang up on me?"

Arianri nodded. "Seems like it." She hugged her. "Happy Death-Day."

* * *

**I think I'll end it there. So, what did you guys think? Too random? Not random enough? Please comment!**

**This two-part side story originated from phone conversations I've had with the real life Shia. It was fun to write, especially since the real Shia could help me so much with the dialogue!**

**Please review!**


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